Whether expected or not, difficult conversations can be tricky for even the most seasoned communicator. From the topic of the conversation, the emotions generated, the varying perspectives -yours, theirs, and the common view- and the outcome desired, there are many influencing elements to consider when navigating these tricky conversations. Below are three ways to prepare for difficult conversations.
Take Stock of Yourself and Previous Conversations. One of the best ways to approach a difficult conversation is to prepare. Of course, surprises can emerge, but a conversation that is emotional or stressful can often be anticipated. As part of your preparation, take stock of yourself and previous discussions. By bringing in historical data from previous interactions and insights of your behavioral and communication styles, you can better prepare for how you show up. Ask yourself the following questions:
How do I behave and communicate under stress?
How am I perceived during stressful conversations?
How does the person I am speaking with typically act under pressure?
How do I usually react when emotions run high?
What has worked with my previous successful, difficult conversations?
Listen to Your Internal Dialogue. Intentional listening involves two conversations: the conversation with the other person and the internal dialogue you are having with yourself. What are you telling yourself going into the conversation? How are you feeling? What assumptions might you be making? It’s OK to acknowledge feelings of apprehension, tension, or unease. It’s also essential to explore how you want to feel after the conversation and set this as a personal goal. With this as an aim, plan how to structure the conversation so that you and the other person walk away feeling understood, heard, aligned, and with steps to move forward.
Take the Lead in Setting the Tone. Acknowledge when conversations are hard by taking the lead and stating your desired outcome. The work you did in the first two steps will prepare you well for setting the tone at the onset. Frame the meeting by publicly recognizing that the conversation may be difficult. Share and align on guiding principles to how everyone may show up for the discussion, i.e., assume positive intent, don’t pass judgment, be curious, etc. Share your intentions and goals for the conversation. Invite whomever you will be in conversation with to include their principles and share their intentions and goals.
Here are some phrases you can customize and make your own:
“I know this conversation may be tough. I think it’s important to hear each other’s side and reach mutual next steps. Here are some principles to guide our conversation. What are some principles that are important to you to include? ”
“While I know this conversation may be difficult, I hope that by the end, we can decide on X. What do you want to get out of this conversation?”
“We might hear things we don’t like during this conversation. If we commit to assuming positive intent, I think we can move closer to reaching a decision.”
Bonus Step. Dance in the Moment. You’ve taken stock of the past, listened to your internal dialogue, and are prepared to set the tone for an upcoming difficult conversation. Now it’s time to prepare to “dance in the moment.” This coaching skill signifies the essential skill of moving to and fro within any conversation. There will be different rhythms, twists, and turns, so don’t be rigid with sticking to the plan, as you can unintentionally increase tension. Instead, if the conversation veers off course, return to the original intention and goal, restate it, and affirm that your partner is back on course too.
Dancing in the moment is enhanced by being an intentional and active listener. It asks you to take a high-level view of the conversation while simultaneously being in it. This is difficult, especially during a difficult moment. Look for low-risk and low-stress moments to practice dancing in the moment.
When navigating difficult conversations, remember that even the smallest actions can yield a significant impact. By approaching high-stress interactions with a plan and enlisting your emotional intelligence skills, you can turn trepidation into confidence, fear into clarity, and misunderstandings into common ground.